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Dear Poka, it’s been long since my last letter and I told you in private that I would stop writing letters to you in public but I cannot hold it no more and since writing is the only tool I can use to fully express myself without holding back, I plead to do this again asking you to forgive me in advance for bringing this to public.
Poka, matters of the heart are so delicate and sometimes confusing such that when they are not handled well, we tend to get undesirous consequences. I already have told you about my past and the kind of care free life I hosted in the early part of my adulthood rising from adolescence. I was that care free and very happy. I had more female friends than male friends and even sometimes mocked as the girls ‘leader’. It was true at some point though because I was made a leader of a girls group in my village. They saw me as the ideal man whose voice could unite the over exuberant adolescent girls. They believed in my capabilities to unite the young ladies and offer them the right mentorship they required in that stage of their lives.I was happy to accept the role and I played the role with joy until I had to go away to pursue books.
Poka, you know what, I was that boy who never cared if having a girlfriend was a necessity or a want and I never even bothered to have one. It was my life and my life was all that mattered. I was close with many girls as I said before and some of them were so close that people started thinking I was dating them and wondered how I manage multiple girls at the same time and the girls even know one another. I cared the least about what they said or perceived.
Fast forward, I had my first girlfriend and that night I felt so uncomfortable telling myself I have a girlfriend. I wanted to call her that night and tell her we should break up but she hadn’t got a phone. I had one thanks to a friend who didn’t want to use one and gave his to me. A few days later she called me and asked about a church programme which we both we to attend on behalf of our groups. She asked if I would go but I gave no definite answer and she decided to take the negative of it and opted not to attend. Little did I know she did it because she wanted us to go together and since I wasn’t sure she decided not to go. I later went and when she got to know. she accused me of cheating or planning to cheat by deceiving her not to go. I didn’t feel any regrets though and just laughed over it. I knew I wasn’t cheating and what was I even cheating with or for? Well, that ended our young love story. I didn’t feel a pint of pain nor responsible for it and never thought about it because I just wasn’t ready for a relationship but only did it for the pleasurable feeling of saying I too can woo ladies.
That part of me continued and I never spent two weeks chasing a girl because I always told myself it was waste of time and not worth it. I remember a friend telling me love hasn’t caught me yet because when I finally fall in love I will do anything to get it and maintain it. It is that statement that gives soul to this letter.
It was at a programme that I met you and since then we’ve been part of each other in ways I don’t wish to put over here because people will write meaning differently. The first morning I saw you was when you were posing for pictures like a newly crowned beauty queen. I took notice of you but just as a photophilic lady and nothing more. Days passed by and the programme was fast reaching conclusion, I had your contact and we started communicating while still there. We moved together and people started calling us couples but that was only after my heart started racing for you and I wanted every minute to be spent with you.
I didn’t just hop in like a desperate cat pouncing on a stray mouse. I restrained myself and that was to get far away from you and test if the feeling was real and authentic and to also synch it with my conscience to proof its reality. We left the venue and for a week away from there, we never ceased to talk and we spent much of the time talking on the phone.
I decided then to move on and tell you what I feel though I figured you might have noticed it. It was the most difficult conversation I had in a long while. I was not certain if you’d tell me yes or no but I didn’t care much. I just wanted you to know how I feel and whatever the response I was ready to accept it. Your response was negative and I should have felt bad for the defeat but I felt it was victory because I would gradually ease you out of my thoughts and never again would talk about it but how wrong I was.
To cut the story short and not also saddle you with this long paragraphs as reading stories is your famous weakness in an infamous way. I feel everyday that we are made for each other and though I am not Banky W and cannot express this in songs I am convinced beyond doubt that we should end this hide and seek faster and let our hearts enjoy what they yearn for. We match in every sense and making and you know it is the truth. I however cannot tell why and how you keep playing this in a training pitch when we actually could possess the main pitch. We are not perfect but we even perfect our imperfections and future is world of its own ready for us to discover not with a compass as Christoper Columbus nor as Romeo and Juliet but as Bia and Poka.
You often ask to know why I feel so disassociated and disinterested in anything sometimes. Quite recently, you asked if you have wronged me because I was ignoring you and I said ‘no’. It was a no that has much to it. I feel hurt when you don’t answer my calls because you’re on the phone with someone. I get hurt so much so that I feel I should have my own world where I will ban love, affection and only allow friendship.
The other day your female friend visited you and when I heard her voice I broke down thinking it was a guy but finally felt stupid realizing I perceived something wrong. The headline is that, I am jealous and though you have not given me visa to your island yet I feel I have to act to keep new pirates away to make my entry simpler since you already have some pirates in there. The numerous times I went down and never desire to hear anyone’s voice, it was only yours I longed to hear but it was always you that gave me the pain or broke me down and I have tried severally to let go off you but I am not gaining grounds, rather losing. You are my pain and my joy and I know that you know it. I am only waiting for when you will release me and set me free from this strained sad rain else I stray forever and there would be no me after me when I lost me.
your addict
Bia
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